As many of the thousands upon millions of my great friends and distant admirers who know me will no doubt confirm, I am the last person in the world who likes to blow their own tuba.
In fact, I tend to care far more about the welfare of others than I do myself. In my house even the cat takes precedence and I don’t even like cats or indeed possess one.
However, people continually tell me I am possibly bordering genius as well as also being an extremely nice , genuine , popular, modest, humble and generous person. I only hope that one day you all will reach my levels of spiritual enlightenment.
As there has been a huge demand for this from the LinkedIn community (plus the known universe as a whole) and I feel that there is a large proportion of the population becoming anxious about when it will appear, worry no more folks , I thought I would finally put you all out of your misery.
Therefore, I am proud to announce that this is my typical daily morning routine, which I label 'My Breakfast Journey of Discovery' :-
I wake up at 3am and meditate by performing Vajrayana Tibetan Monk chants to the calming sounds of a semi-confused aardvark.
I don’t sleep in my bedroom, as I think this is one of worst person-made modern scourges of our society, did cavepeople have bedrooms - no they jolly well didn't. Instead, I use a purpose built tee pee made out of recycled quinoa and organic tapas fixed onto the top of my roof. So I doze off each night gazing into the stars and take further enrichment and motivation from the sheer beauty of the night skyline.
At 3:30am I bathe in freezing saltwater laced with Goji berries and a dash of camel dung. I have a period of mindfulness, and reflection - contemplating my day ahead using the rhymical style thought patterns of a traditional Mongolian goat herder psalm.
At 4am I perform a quick 15 mile run around my block before the sun rises, just to sufficiently loosen up my body and spiritual soul for the day (the world is so wonderful and glorious at this time in the morning, as am I). I plan to run a marathon a day on my hands for a full year in the summer in support of my very own cause, ‘Liam in Need Aid.’
I then stop off at the local rescue centre, where I adopt an orphaned animal and take it home with me. Hedgehogs especially are really tasty at this time of year.
When I return home, at around 5am I stick knitting needles into my lower abdomen and nether regions. I find that it gives me a sense and understanding of all the pain that there is in the world and encourages me to be pro-active in ending this diabolical suffering for good. Next lent I plan to chop off a finger each day and then once I finally run out of them maybe move onto my toes and possibly a couple of limbs, before surgically removing my organs one-by-one.
Breakfast is at 6am , I generally eat nothing but ethically sourced, locally produced and fully sustainable samphire infused organic gravel nowadays, washed down with Dandelion and Oolong tea. For purification and cleansing purposes it has twice been through the urinary system of a hog-nosed skunk. Sometimes, if I’m feeling especially naughty, I will treat myself to a cement frittata.
Whilst I’m preparing breakfast I like to listen to the worldly, selfless, spiritually intellectual quotes and wisdoms of the Dalai Lama , Nelson Mandela, Albert Einstein , Joe Wicks, Gemma Collins and suchlike playing in the background.
At 7am I post thoughtful, inspirational and morale boosting messages to my fanbase / subjects on my free* Facebook self-help / support group, wonderfully entitled ‘Liam Loves You So Much Guys’.
7:05am and It’s finally a bit of ‘me time’ , even I can’t be totally selfless 24/7. I’ve given up music, alcohol, television , books , computers, cinema, radio, board games, newspapers, magazines, sport, hobbies, phones, holidays, fun, Netflix, Ant and Dec and any other forms of entertainment, as I feel that they cause only toxic harm and pollute our society and corrupting the mind. This enables me to spend more time tirelessly working on my various zero carbon footprint, lactose free, organic, gluten tolerant, aloe vera infused, spaceman I always wanted you to go into space, man (intergalactic Christ) and vegan friendly charity foundations.
So, my main form of enjoyment comes from jumping up and down in my fully sustainable herb garden, whilst shouting ‘hallelujah and God bless all sentient beings’ on my lemongrass and fennel matt - which is shaped like the head of famed TV AM weather forecaster and fellow philanthropist Wincey Willis.
And that’s little old boring me and my dull morning ritual!
At 8am I feel perfectly prepared and ready to face whatever sky-blue out of the box thinking is required for maintaining my fully methane neutral Virtual Assistant business in conjunction with me possibly saving the world.
Extreme kudos to you all for reading.
Do you have any similar morning rituals to me? Feel free to comment below!
(* a £12.99 a month voluntary contribution is mandatory.)